Unfortunately I have not got anywhere on the job front so far. Likely because of my big gap of what seems like I have done nothing with the time spent on the path of recovery in rehab. But I'm going to get my head into something whether it be job, voluntary work or education. Something to just get my head focused on something positive. Rather than Cancer and my ED.
In very good news today is 450 days FREE of overdosing!!!! Bear in mind I used to take them multiple times a week, I'm doing hella AWESOME if I do say so myself. And to add to that I rarely even get a thought enter my mind to even do it, let alone act on those thoughts. My next goal is to get to 500 days, and I know I can do it.
Even more awesome news is that my closest friend who is in rehab has got it approved for me to visit her. So we are meeting up on Saturday in her closest city and we have 4 hours together. I am beyond EXCITED!!! We have not seen each other for about 18 months, so I am absolutely thrilled as is she. There will be a staff member there as I've never visited but that don't bother me, I'm more than used to hospital staff.
Since moving back home I haven't felt like I've had a real focus as such. Other than meeting up with family and friends and being an adult. And I guess settling back in. But I've felt like I need more than that.
I pondered the idea of going back to education as my highest level is GCSEs. But the problem is I have to pay a considerable amount given my age to do that. Money that I don't have unfortunately. Especially considering I love learning. The other side to it is if I were able to find the money I don't know when my dad will die. And it's only about 6 months away from the end of his prognosis. The course I was looking at is not the kind of course you can have time off of, it's like a fast track kind of course.
So I did some more thinking, more around the voluntary work basis, but I feel I know I would be capable of doing it so why not look for paid work. A big jump I know, especially seeing as I've never had a job before bar a paper round years back if you can class that as a job.
I ended up looking at job sites just to see what was out there locally in the health care worker role as thats what I want to do initially. Many said that job experience in the field was required but there was one that stood out that didn't. They were more bothered about your passion to work in the field. Which is exactly me to a T. Thankfully though I was able to put in the aspects of care that I have been involved in with my dads illness. So whilst I don't have professional experience, I do have personal experience.
So I bit the bullet, wrote up my very lacking CV and sent it off to them. I don't know how long it takes to hear back or if I will even hear back at all. But this is all very exciting!
I will probably freak out if they ring back for an interview given the fact I have never been interviewed for a job before but I'm sure my family can help me out on that front.
I'm not entirely sure what my care coordinator will say as only last week she said she did not think I was ready for work. But my mum is supportive of it and she says I know me best so she really hopes I get somewhere with it.
I saw my care coordinator and told her of the dissociative episode, she said I did the right thing and was pleased with the way that I dealt with it. Given the fact the that it was coming up to the day of when I got raped back quite a few years ago, and I'd been having flashbacks about that. We kind of put it down to that. The good news is that I have not had an episode like that, since, so far.
The week of that horrible anniversary was difficult as I expected. My care coordinator had advised me to call the crisis helpline which specializes in sexual assault. It was something I had already thought of as I went to their crisis center when it initially happened and used to phone them quite regularly, as they are very helpful. It ended up that I didn't need to call them. I coped with things well. The only thing I struggled with was some flashbacks, and elevated anxiety. This is less than what I anticipated in all honesty.
I met up with my close friend for our usual weekly coffee date and spent time with family and even managed to stay in on my own to have the gas man do his annual check. Something which normally scares the hell out of me. So real good progress!
I started on the Venlafaxine and things began to lift. Christmas was right around the corner so that was something that I was finally beginning to look forward to. I ended up staying over at the family home from Christmas Eve till Boxing day and had such wonderful quality time spent with my family.
That really gave me the boost I needed and when I went back home I felt much better and felt I was well on the journey back to feeling my normal self. I didn't have much any support from the MH team till the 5th of Jan as my worker was off till then, so that was daunting to face but I managed it well.
I did experience one episode of dissociation during that time. Luckily unlike the episodes before going into rehab where it was like a flick of a switch and I was gone mentally and would wake up having lost time having done something, not knowing where I had been. It was different I only went mentally to a degree. I felt like I was unreal, in the wrong body. Like my flat wasn't mine. And that I belonged somewhere else.
It was distressing to experience this, feeling so confused and disorientated. I tried grounding myself, doing all the techniques I knew of. But nothing seemed to de-escalate the situation. So I ended up deciding to take my night meds quite promptly after my evening ones and went to bed. I did this as I thought if you are asleep you cannot be in harms way. And it worked I fell asleep and the next thing were back to normal.
