The nights tend to be the hardest. But tonight has been one of the worst for a while. That is in terms of my mental health symptoms. Suicidal thoughts are back again, and I'm scared. Scared for my own life and scared for my family as they are already suffering enough with my dads death.
I don't want to bring anyone down any further, but it just feels like everything I do or try and make good turns to shit for some reason and I end up unintentionally bringing everyone down anyway. I try so hard yet my best is never, and will never be good enough.
I was stupid to think that I could survive another tragic death. Realistically I don't think I can. I'm pushing everyone away, isolating myself, and just pretending I'm coping. When in fact I'm not. I don't want to live without dad. I can't keep losing the people I love. I bring nothing to this world.
I don't exactly know where my head is at, but I know I need to write. I feel lots of feelings, it's almost like I'm being choked by them. Once upon a time I wouldn't have known you could feel so many emotions at once but through some terribly tragic times I've been through, I know this fullness only too well, unfortunately.
I'm feeling the usual emotions that go with grief. The anger, the sadness, the emptiness, the disbelief. But I feel extra anger on top, maybe even as far as betrayal. A certain person who knows of the situation, has asked that my mum does not get rid of my fathers medication, as they need it. This person is an ex-addict and I've tried to get close ones to give this person a chance and stuck up for them my whole life. I don't know why I ever bothered. It just feels so cold to me, like they are trying to take advantage of my fathers death.
They won't get their hands on the medication. But I am livid.
Dad passed away in the early hours 21/02/16. I am absolutely devastated. My bro is in pieces and mum isn't coping great either. It's a massive loss to us all. We will get through this I am 100% on that. Us three are a strong team. I'm just struggling to see the path right now to actually get there. I know I'm thinking way way to far ahead. It's not even been 24 hours yet. And my mind is just fuzz.
Life is challenging to say the least right now. Dad has only days left. This is something so very painful to be going through. I'm conflicted as I want to say goodbye but I don't want to see him any worse than I last saw him. Last time I saw him was very upsetting for me, heartbreaking is probably the best word. And I know from speaking to my mum he is even worse and I don't want to live with an even worse image in my head.
Why is death (in this way) so complicated?
Things aren't the best right now. My dads cancer has progressed a lot in the past month. To the point where now they say he only has weeks to live. And I whole-heartedly believe them. He is fading fast, day by day he is getting weaker and his body is shutting down.
It's all very sad to watch. When your father cannot even hold a conversation with you because he is so confused. When you have to hold a cup whilst it's in his hands so he doesn't drop it because he shakes so much. When you hug him and he's wearing three layers just to stay warm, yet you can still feel every bone in his back.
When essentially you feel like you have already lost him before he has actually passed.
It's heartbreaking.
