I saw my care coordinator and she booked me the earliest emergency appointment she could get. It was a week away. I questioned in my head how an emergency appointment for an actively suicidal person could take so long. I mean if it were physical health you would be seen on the day. It just shows the lack of resources for mental health even in emergency situations. I just think if it happening to me how many other people aren't getting the crisis support they require.
This is going to sounds strange for me to say but luckily my mood dipped even lower. To the point where I couldn't be bothered to carry out my plan. I literally just did not care about anything. My passion for everything gone. It was a very sad time. But it actually saved my life and tided me over till the appointment.
I had major doubts about going. I didn't see how they could help. I was in a very hopeless state. I did end up going and it didn't start off well. The Psych who had seen me less than a month before could not remember me, even with three different prompts from my care coordinator. It made me very agitated. He then commented that "oh you are the one with the terminal cancer". When in fact it's my dad that has it. But to be referred to like that, made me even more agitated. I ended up standing up grabbing my coat and bag and told him quite assertively, (but quite probably a bit on the aggressive side as well) that what he'd just said and how he still didn't know who I was, was completely unprofessional and showed how incompetent he was and that there was no point in carrying on with the appointment as he was just aggravating the situation. This way said all in front of his Junior Dr. I then promptly walked out the center.
I stayed in the car park contemplating what to do. So I rang my mum and she thought how I'd been treated was disgusting. My care coordinator soon came over and asked me if I would come back in. I told her that I would come back in only on the condition that my Psych left and I spoke to the Junior Dr. She agreed with me that this was the best plan. So I went to sit in reception, whilst she asked my Psych to leave the appointment.
On going back in I was very nervous but the Junior Dr was so lovely, she did not judge me in any way for what I had said or for walking out. She asked if she could do an assessment of me and I agreed. At the end of it I told her I thought I had relapsed back into Depression. Something I had had as a young teenager. And she said from her assessment that she had come to the same conclusion that I had Depression.
She asked if I would be willing to go on ADs and I agreed but that I didn't want to go on anything that would make me put on weight. She asked me if I'd been on any in the past that had helped so I told her about how Venlafaxine had and didn't put weight on me and if I could go back on that if there were no interactions with my other medications. She agreed and started me on 75mg.
It may have not started off well but it certainly turned itself around. I really felt listened to by her and that means a lot. Just being heard you know.
