I haven't posted for a while as things have difficult, and I've had a hard time concentrating on things. I've had a medication change which seems to be really helping with my anxiety. They also gave me some sleeping tablets as I was barely sleeping due to getting some rather distressing intrusive images and thoughts surrounding my dad death whilst I lay in bed. My sleep has now improved tremendously.
A few days ago I had another medication change as I've been rather low and unmotivated. Probably due to grief. I start that once my bloods hopefully come back clear tomorrow.
Today I've had a really good day. I've planned to meet up with a number of friends I've not seen recently over the coming months. One of whom I'm planning a tattoo with, which is rather exciting.
One of my closest mates is meeting me for on Thursday for a catch up so that will be lovely :)
I've applied for several jobs so just waiting to hopefully hear back.
And I also got back into exercising and went on one of my Just Dance games I've not been on for ages, which proved to be rather enjoyable!
It feels like I'm back to the dark days. Down in the black hole again. I hate this I hate everything.
My anxiety is sky high, going out of my flat one of the scariest feelings ever. It feels as though I have a stomach full to the brim of butterflies, or more should I say moths, (I like butterflies) just flapping around. I could quite easily puke.
The thoughts going through my mind are all negative. I am ashamed of myself. Contemplating suicide strongly again. I'm such a let down. I'm meant to be better. I can't even do that right.
Tried work, and failed. Screw up just as always.
I'm bright enough, just mentally I'm not strong enough. Still. And I fucking hate myself for it. I'm never going to make anything of myself. I cannot see a future right now, not a future I want to carry on with anyway.
I want to go be at peace away from my demons, back with Frankie.
We promise to carry on your contagious smile.
The same one that would light up a room the minute you walked in.
We promise to laugh and never take ourselves too seriously.
We promise to love harder and forgive faster.
We promise to be content, in every sense of the word.
To be thankful for the air in our lungs,
and the years we were blessed to have with you.
We promise to try and have as big a heart as you did.
To be selfless.
To know what we have, and know what we can give to others who are not as fortunate.
We promise to grieve that absence of your physical being for only a moment.
And then we promise to set you free.
We promise to never give up on others,
even when we’re ready to give up on ourselves.
We promise to be a friend and a mentor as you were.
To be a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or a set of ears to simply listen...
And we can promise you this...
We can promise to open our heart to you when we fall in love and when we fall apart.
When we find the one and when we become parents.
We promise to let you hear every giggle and feel every hug.
To know every heartache,
and let you be there for every triumphant moment...
The most important promise we can make,
despite all our mistakes and all our losses.
A promise that carries the equivalence of all the rest combined is this...
We promise to make you proud.
With all that we are,
We love you.
It's dads funeral tomorrow. I'm an emotional wreck. I should be putting all my coping skills into practice. However my mind is like fuck it, whatever happens happens. Not that I have plans of any sort. I just have urges to harm.
I'm scared I don't want to relapse. But a big part of me feels like I deserve it. It should be me in that coffin, not him. I was a bad daughter, through and through.
Mothers day was tiring for me but I think mum enjoyed it. We took her to a local pub for a meal with one of her sisters and her son. Charlie got walked. She got to have cocktails. Have her little present, before we give her the bigger one after the funeral. And then my brother showed us round his new flat.
I think she found it a bit weird having a special occasion without dad around, so we tried to take her mind off that as best we could, spending quality time together.
That women has gone through hell over the past 18 months, yet she's still managed to be there as a parent for my brother and me. Not an easy feat. I love her dearly.
For me at the moment, dads death is feeling to easy to deal with. Maybe thats because I've not coped so well with traumatic things in the past, and I'm a much stronger person mentally now. Or I have been thinking that perhaps it's because I was estranged from him for around 7 years, and only had 1 year with him in my life. Of which from February till the end of October I only got to see him once a move on my monthly home visit from rehab. So I only really had less than 4 months with him properly in my life again. That maybe I've gone into some sort of denial because I'm not used to him being around, so him not being around isn't unusual. If that makes any sort of sense.. it does to me.
I'm not really sure how any of that makes me feel whatsoever. I'm just glad to feel on an even keel.
